WRITING

Finding the Words

Like any theater artist, a multitude of reasons keep me motivated and invested in the demanding, crazy life of theater: there’s community, love of the craft, unresolved trauma, and at the heart, of course, passion. For much of my life, the concept of passion eluded me; I couldn’t explain or put into words what it meant, but instead I felt its physical presence glowing within. As I took interest in the why of my artistry, I realized the sensation of passion comes from a deep rooted promise to myself.

I’ve always felt the most passionate when I felt truly seen and heard —in the rehearsal space and within the narratives themselves. The simplicity of feeling wanted is powerful. I reflected and began to realize the extent to which I’ve felt unwanted; as a chubby, awkward, middle-child there was really no hope for me. After years of being ignored by school, friends, doctors, dance teachers, I began to ignore myself. Absorbing what I was shown, I disregarded the parts of myself I didn’t like, ignored my own pains, ignored anything that would require my time and attention, for why should I care if no one else did? I slowly saw myself fade away into the people around me, living hidden in their and my own neglect. 

My move to Chicago to pursue a BFA in musical theater at CCPA marked a transformative shift. Not only was I given the space to speak, but the push to explore why and for who I speak. So much of life I had spent ignoring my body, my mind, my anxiety, my discomfort, my voice, and my love to avoid the hurt of someone else ignoring it first; but suddenly, I realized the cage I had felt for so long wasn’t forever sealed shut, but locked by my own key. 

I promised I would not be ignored anymore.

 I started this promise by acknowledging my own needs, accomplishments, and emotions, even when I thought I couldn’t. With new clarity and a need to speak for those ignored, it isn’t surprising I found an adoration in writing and directing, a very literal way to make my own words heard and build safe spaces for creation. I accepted the distress I had avoided for years and found my artistry embracing the growth and beauty of living in discomfort. I stay passionate through the promise to be seen and the goal to make space for others to feel worthy too.

I fell in love with my voice and worked to build its strength and compassion through producing and directing workshops and staged readings of my original plays and musicals. I am very proud of the progress and work I created, but recognize I have a long road and journey ahead. I understand my voice, my stories, and how I wish to share them; it won’t be easy, but I’m prepared to seize this chance to amplify my voice and what I know is true.